a much needed update

i hope my words find you well. i've been told that our best tool is our story, so we are sharing an honest look of our story. if you received this it's because we love you and we do not want any confusion about why we are back in lubbock. it's come to our attention that there is a bit of confusion so l'ray and i feel like we need to fill in the gaps that so many of you may be wondering about. this is long so please read to the end to fully understand the context of what is being said.

i've always heard that there were 7 stages in the grieving process. as i've reflected on these stages recently i'm happy to say i'm officially in the 7th and final stage "acceptance and hope".
but in order to get to the 7th i need to tell you about how i've arrived there and why i was even grieving in the first place.

in august of 2009 i was blessed to have the chance to travel to Zacapa, Guatemala with a team of around 20 people. we spent a wonderful week pouring our hearts out on to the kids who lived inside the walls of the orphanage. needless to say it was an amazing week. a week that transformed me and realigned my perspective of life, money, contentment, grace and peace. i returned with an excitement and passion to pour out my love to the broken, the poor, the forgotten. my first week back in the office i was approached by leadership and asked if i would explain my tithing numbers. when i accepted the position at the church i was asked to commit to tithing and i gladly accepted. l'ray and i had no problem doing this but about 6 months before this meeting we had felt like God was asking us to commit money elsewhere. in our lives we give what God is asking us to give and that almost always totals far above the confines of a set percentage. we had been giving money to the church, different organizations, specific people in our lives who were not doing well and needed help, and a few others that we had been helping but didn't really know (we just felt like God was asking us to give).
this begins the first stage of grief...

shock and denial...
i was given a week to decide whether we would "get on board" with the method of tithing an absolute 10% to the church and then what ever was left over we could give away where we saw fit. it was this or i would not be able to be a staff member. during this week i spent much time in prayer, reflection, study, and conversations with experienced church leaders that i knew had been in ministry longer than i had been alive. it all pointed to one thing - go with your conviction. i didn't feel like i was giving, therefore living, in a way that was unbiblical, so i told church leaders that i must remain true to my convictions of what i felt like God was asking me to do. by the end of the week we found out that i would be asked to resign as young adult minister because of us not being able to meet the standards of giving that was expected as staff.
this broke our hearts. we immediately began to question whether or not we made the right choice... should we find a way to come up with the extra n% so that we could stay at fbc or do we stay true to our convictions? these questions plagued our souls deeply and we waited to get the "go ahead" to tell our close friends, and my young adult leaders what was going on because many by this time had seen a change in our demeanor and could tell that not everything was well.
we soon began telling as many people as possible what had transpired over the previous weeks and what lay ahead. over the next few days we had countless meetings and phone conversations trying to explain what came next and how we got to that point. it sucked. these conversations were some of the hardest i have ever had to have. many people understood our decision, some did not, and others acted indifferent, but all wished us the best. on our last sunday i went to my young adult classes and explained that i would no longer be their minister and told them a very abbreviated version that explained the what, when, and why's. as my last sunday wrapped up, it was announced that l'ray and i would no longer to be serving at fbc as the young adult minister because "we were leaving to pursue other ministry opportunities".?.?.?. so starts the second stage of grief.

pain and guilt...
after my last sunday service i was approached by around a dozen very excited people asking what the new ministry i was going off to pursue was and how i had been called to go? i had to look them in the eye and tell then that there was no ministry and i had no idea what lay ahead for me or my family. they turned and left a little more confused than when they approached me. the next couple of weeks were filled with me having conversations with people who either didn't fully understand and needed more explanation, or people that wanted to help me find work. it was a roller coaster to say the least. everday when i would sit down and had time to reflect, the pain in my heart screamed from within. i was saddened because we were leaving our church home. there was also a number of people that we were close to that began to not speak to us - this probably hurt the most. when it was confirmed that i would no longer be on staff, i decided that i would leave the church in such a way that was the "high road" even if it meant that we didn't fully explain everything to everyone. what this turned out to mean was that we suffered the brunt of people being angry because they didn't understand our leaving and they felt abandoned by us. the next weeks were riddled with pain and guilt. i spent many nights not sleeping and many days trying to stay busy doing anything to take my mind off of it. my heart was heavy with pain because we were asked to leave a place we dearly loved and we were asked to leave because we didn't give enough. as pain dulled, guilt sprung forth. the feeling of guilt was deep within me. i felt guilty because i began to hear of people who thought we abandoned them and the church. i felt guilty because some of our friends began to talk to us less and less. i felt guilty because i knew i would never be able to fully explain myself to every member of the church and therefore would make their own assumptions about why we left based on the information they heard and because of that they would not understand why we chose to stick with our convictions. out of this sense of pain and guilt i began to feel another emotion that had surfaced at times earlier but only for what felt like split seconds...

anger...
two months had passed since i had left the church. i still had yet to find a job. at this point i wasn't concerned any longer with working in ministry nor did i really desire to because of my anger and confusion. through networking and an old connection back in lubbock i had landed an interview. this interview was the closest i had come to finding a job. i had sent out and dropped off countless resumes over the past two months with nothing to show. i had applied for jobs as a waiter, bartender, janitor, retail sales person, etc, etc, etc, but i received nothing. we were incredibly excited to have an interview because after not having any income for over a month our bank account was getting slim. the interview in lubbock went well and i was told that the job was mine. so we packed up a few necessities, cleaned our house and put a "for sale" sign in the front yard. we had already determined that we could only pay mortgage for one more month with no job before we couldn't pay any bills so we put it up for sale. after being in lubbock for a week i found out that the job didn't come through. they decided to not hire anyone for the position for the time being. this was a blow we weren't ready to receive. it was a hard pill to swallow.
i soon landed another interview with a local restaurant as a bartender and within two weeks i had an interview. at the interview i was told that they would not hire me because they hire from within. another job opportunity so close but not captured. by this point, it was time to write another mortgage check. with the check mailed we decided it would be best to stay in lubbock. after all, we had both grown up in lubbock and knew more people there than in lewisville, therefore it would hopefully prove easier to find employment. what i didn't know was that no matter who we knew and talked with, employment was not easy to find. with no job and a family looking at me to provide for them, i began to be more and more angry.
i was angry at the church. i was angry that people who told us they would support us had yet to contact us to even see how we were. i was angry with the church staff as a whole because other than one pastor there was an absence of support other than the general "well, if you need anything give us a call". i was angry that a church checks to see how much their staff gives to see if they measured up to a certain standard and disregarded the conviction of the Holy Spirit. i was angry that instead of asking if everything was okay in our lives, i was asked why my percentage of giving wasn't higher. i was angry at people who were angry with us because we "withdrew" and "moved away". i was angry because the same people who felt like we withdrew from them, also withdrew from us. i was angry with the way our leaving was announced and how much confusion and problems that caused us with people of the church. i was angry because the people who i thought would support us the most left us because they felt like we abandoned them when we left the church. i was angry because people who had nothing to do with fbc were the people who supported us most. at this point i remember thinking, "is it the person who is going through tough times that needs to reach out to the church or is the church that should be reaching out to those falling to the bottom?" this question alone carried alot of anger.
it was my anger that caused me to miss many things; things i deeply regret missing. i missed seeing a dear friend's son after he was born - this my greatest regret. i missed seeing friends that i wanted to connect with again but was scared that they hated me or were mad at me like so many others, or felt hurt by my lack of presence in their life. i missed these things because i let my anger get the best of me. but God knows how our hearts work and he was working in someone else's life as he was mine during this time and i soon had a key conversation with a friend that turned my anger and it began to deflate...

depression, loneliness...
after a much overdue conversation with a friend i hung up the phone feeling like a pile of crap. i felt God telling me that the anger needed to leave so that i could begin to heal because i was holding on too tightly to the anger i had been living with. so i walked out and told l'ray that i knew God wanted me to let this anger go. so i began to try. this would prove to be harder than i had imagined. when a person goes through something significant the emotions that flow with that event are hard to let go. just think about a significant event in your life - good or bad. when you come around people, places, sounds, or smells, who played a large role in that event all of the emotions begin to turn your stomach and memories flood your head. it's almost as if you can see it clearly again. needless to say, the pain and anger i had been feeling for the past two months was holding as tightly to me as i was to it. eventually things got better.
my parents and l'ray's parents offered us their homes to live in until we sold the house. we would randomly receive a check from dear friends that helped pay bills. even with all of the money we received and the blessings we felt from people, we were still getting close to having no money in the bank. depression for me set in when i realized that i wasn't providing for my family at all - other people were. no matter how spiritual or religious you are, as a man growing up i knew men did one thing, they provided for their family. i was not doing this. this sent me into a dark place - spiritually and mentally. i had been job hunting for almost three months and had not been hired for anything. without random gifts and my photography we would have been in the red a month back. my depression was blocking me from seeing that God was providing. he provided us with $400 when i spoke to students at the BSU at Eastern New Mexico University. college students at enmu gave us $400 when they heard about me being without a job! this event flooded my soul with emotions. i was filled with joy, love, anger, heartache and sadness. then a married couple who make less than $1000 a month gave us over $700 as a gift! that's 70% of their income! (to everyone who has been intentional about checking in with us to see how we were. we are incredibly appreciative of your prayers, phone calls, and emails - Thank You)
these things did a number on my spirit. i loved seeing God provide through the poor married couple, and the broke college student but i hated seeing it at the same time. my depression came from seeing the poorest give more than the wealthy. the thing was that it wasn't even about giving to us anymore, it was about giving in general. the depression kept going down over the next month until i was asked by a friend to go to India. he asked me to go on a trip to India to take pictures for the mission organization he works for so that they can document what's happening. photography had become my therapy over the past several months and now i knew why. God was moving in me and he was using my depression, anger, and pain to move me in the direction he wanted me to go. then a week later i was given a tip that a local alternative high school was going to need a part time teacher in January. things were looking up and for the first time in months i was feeling a little better...

the upward turn...
i quickly found out more information about the job and sent an email to the woman who ran the alternative school. i told my friend that i would love to go to India. i felt God ask me to create a legitimate photography business and begin organizing it in such a way that partnering with mission organizations and non-profits would be part of it's structure. my depression was getting better....then Christmas arrived.
Christmas is hard for a parent when you don't have money to buy your kids anything. this Christmas we didn't. i tried to land more photo gigs to get enough money in to scrape together to buy Kye and Haygen Reese something but it never came. it was a humbling experience during the holidays. when you're broke and poor but no one knows it, it is hard to have conversations with people around Christmas because they always talk about what they were going to get their kids and the money they shouldn't have spent but did anyway, then they want to know what you're getting your kids, and so on. it was a tough holiday season.
Christmas came and went. the kids, l'ray and myself received more presents than we ever needed and i walked away from the holidays with a greater appreciation for generosity. during that time my pride began to lessen. i felt God giving me a dose of humility like i had never known. we had less money in the bank than ever before but our balance always seemed to go up right around the time when we paid bills on our house, or our car payment and it was amazing to see. as we started the new year l'ray and i made a big decision. we had needed medical care for some time now for the kids and ourselves but had no insurance, so we decided to apply for medicaid. when a person grows up in a home where they never really need anything, going to the medicaid office is what "lazy people who abuse the system do". i felt like a failure. on the form you can select if you would like to receive money for food stamps as well. this was a decision i wanted to say "NO" to, but when you don't have money to buy groceries and you don't want to continue to place that burden on family, you check the box.
in january of 2010 i spent 3 hours in line in "the bad part of lubbock" to finalize all of our paper work. as i stood and looked around i noticed a few things. the majority of these people don't want to be there any more than i did. they don't want to ask for help. the people i talked to were hopeful and resilient about their situation. they were thankful for some type of governmental help. they were at the bottom and they had more hope in their eyes than some i've known on top. but, as you can imagine, not all were hopeful. some were sad and strung out. some were broken and old. others were just floating through life and knew the system better than the workers. my time in line actually raised my spirits. God had begun a shift in my reality. as i left the office i no longer cared what my shoes looked like. i no longer cared if my hair was falling out. i no longer was concerned with what my house looked like or how many square feet it had. God had realigned my perspective in Guatemala, now He was changing the way i thought and reacted. you see, our perspective on life can shift, but until our thoughts and actions change, our perspective is simply a way we view the world without acting on what we see. my mind was now functional again...

reconstruction...
soon after i learned that the job at the alternative school was mine if i wanted it - i jumped at the chance of working again. i began a week after school had already been in session. it felt incredible to be working, even if it was part time. i was back where i feel at home - with the outcast. the kids i have are not the creme de la creme but rather the kids one step away from jail. actually, about once a week one or more is taken in. my heart is drawn to the broken, the unloved, the downtrodden. God had me stand on convictions at a church that i loved and didn't want to leave knowing that those convictions might cost me my life in lewisville. now, four months later, it is my convictions that brought me back to the broken. life was beginning to be rebuilt one brick at a time. i'm striving to restore relationships i had in lewisville that i don't want to lose. l'ray and my marriage has been to hell and back but is now on it's way back up. my relationship with God is returning to where it needs to be. for some time my relationship with God was what took a back seat to my stress and emotions, because God brings up crap you don't want to hear - you may need to hear it, but you usually don't want to. we are praying about starting a house church. my passion for the homeless at it's max and i'm working on ways to spend time with them (i LOVE the homeless - they're the most authentic people i know). my best friend from high school asked me to partner with him and start a cause driven t-shirt company (rediculously cool). all of these occurrences i attribute to God. it is God that brings us to our current grief stage...

acceptance and hope...
we aren't happy and joyful everyday, but we have hope now. we have hope that God will bring us to where we need to be. we have hope that L'Ray will soon be back in ministry and i will be pursuing my various endeavors God is leading me in. our days are filled with emotions that come from the experience of being asked to leave a church we love over something we consider trivial, and then making the decision to move back to lubbock and try not to leave our relationships in lewisville behind. sometimes these emotions are positive and other times the emotions are destructive. but the beauty in all the hell that we have been through is that God has provided when we had nothing left. we've seen men and women step up and say, "we want to be the church for you and we're going to support you". we have had family let us live rent free since october. we have parents and siblings keep our kids when i had interviews or photography work. we have had people rally around us and pray consistently for our well being. we've seen God manifest Himself in more ways than i can explain.
i recently reflected on something i told our college group at our first meeting at the beginning of the 2009 summer. i said, "by the end of the summer i want you to be men and women who live by your convictions." months later in august, i was asked to stand on my conviction and be just what i had been praying our college students would be. there is no doubt that this was no mere coincidence.
i've learned a few things over the past four months.
- our hearts are our best judge on what to give, how much to give and who we should give to (our minds clutter our thinking). it's hard for God to speak to a heart when our minds would rather He not be so honest.
- life is a beautiful journey when you're actually living it. too many people today get focused on the things that don't last nor matter when the life God has for them sits at their feet if they would only look down to see what they're stepping on.
- your perspective on God is based on how you view the people you admire. if you admire conservative minded men, God will have the characteristics of a conservative man. reality is being open to a God that is conservative and liberal, that walks among the rapist and the saint. if you're open to a God outside of your ideas and your box, then He will blow you away but be ready because when you follow a God who isn't confined to a church, or a doctrine, you will often find yourself as the misunderstood outcast.

praying you become a misunderstood outcast.

peace be with you.

if you would like to leave a comment or have further questions, please send to me at rustin.klafka@gmail.com