Pieces of me

i've always felt like God asked me to do more than i was comfortable. at times it seems to be what He does most. it's as if He knows something will come out of my willingness to do anything he asks.

sometimes it's good to look back and see what God has told us in the past. to see where He was taking us two years ago and see where we are today. this is one of the reasons i think journaling is important to walking with God.

i journal to commune with God, to vent, to think, to document what God is teaching me, what i'm learning, and what's going on in the world around me.

when i go back and read my entries, i discover that my future is in my past. God reveals Himself in ways that we miss. so today i share pieces of my past with you. these are portions of a few journal entries i share with you because i want to give you a piece of me.

sharing ourselves with one another is one of the most beautiful things about community, about fellowship, about walking with Jesus together because we were never meant to do it alone.

April 11. 2005
Lord, it feels like my addiction just seems to constantly being getting the best of me. Father, help me to be above reproach. Help me to not put myself in a situation to fall under temptation's spell. My heart and my mind cry out to you, but my flesh seems to overpower me. Today, God, may i decrease and you increase. My heart, mind, soul, and flesh are yours today. May i die to you.

May 28. 2005
i want to be crazy, insane, out of my mind for you. please God, drive me there.

June 12. 2006
over a week and still no sleep. the morning really is a beautiful time of the day. a couple of days ago i could hear birds beginning their day about 5:30. it was as if they could see the black horizon becoming lighter and they couldn't wait to get going.

??? Undated
i think i'm going to read "walden" again. i feel like i'm getting too connected to worldy things. i pray that God will use it to bring my mind back to the state it needs to be in. Thoreau does a great job of putting priorities in their place. he says, "what a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates his fate." this is what we've talked about lately in house church.
i just walked for 40 minutes to get to a bench where it was dry and i could read my Bible and write in this journal. isn't God wonderful! i proclaim His Beauty and marvel at His Grace. thank you for a life that is gloriously beautiful. i pray that our church continues and it proves to be a time dedicated to you and not just the time we spend worshiping here but the time that we spend on our way to this place. take heed good servant and listen for the Heart of God. Listen for your masters voice. he will call on you and seek you. He loves you and wants nothing more than to be with you. i think it's time for us to stop allowing God to chase us and it's time to walk to Him.

March 17. 2007
God has renewed me today. He has reminded me and possibly for the first time caused me to realized that i need to allow myself to be weak and not focus on endurance. FORGET ENDURANCE. DELIGHT IN WEAKNESS.

July 24. 2007
it is pouring rain as i write. I'm sitting inside the front entrance of a small chapel with the door open letting fresh, rain-filled air mix with the damp staleness inside this room. it's funny how when i walk with God more closely, He shows things to me. well, maybe He has been showing me these things and i just started noticing them. perhaps our lives are like this room that i sit in and write. our lives are damp with the haunting of our past, damp with recent sins committed so effortlessly, damp with regret. and all that God would like us to do is open the door and let the fresh scent of His purifying, rejuvenating rain breeze into our dark, stale room. Maybe Christ understood that if we would only open ourselves up to Him, He could change everything. He wants us to be fresh. He wants rejuvenation for us. will we open the door and let Him change the total atmosphere of our lives?

March 11. 2008
oh how i've been in need of feeling and knowing God's Grace lately. Satan has plagued me with self-doubt, self-hatred, and riddled my thoughts of past sins that disgust me. He has caused me, on most days, to hate myself, but i feel the Grace of God pulling me away from this self-hate. Christ is showing me a piece of Himself in a me. it's crazy to even think about God being a part of someone who perceives themselves as being incredibly wicked and dirty. tonight, oh tonight, Grace is upon me, washin me clean and pure -- not because of me or my mind but because of my weaknesses, my short comings, because I NEED GRACE.

June 12. 2008
my heart is filled with an indescribable feeling. at first i thought it was loneliness, but as much as i think, loneliness is only a small part of it. i believe the rest is grief. TONIGHT I'M GRIEVING. i grieve for the people who's head get between them and God. i grieve for men and women who occupy our church seats who don't want Jesus. sadness overwhelms me at this hour of the night. will this grief be my driving force, a drive that urges me toward the oppressed. God, point me to the oppressed, the marginalized, and may they be the next generation of believers that changes everything.

may we pour out our hearts and souls to the world.

may we show people that we are just as broken as they are.

may our lives be lived with adoration of a God who brings us out of the dark places into the light.

may we come to see that sometimes sharing a piece of ourselves with others is one of the greatest ways to express our love for them.

peace be with you